Born from the fiery depths of road rage comes a new crucial emergency blog:
Road Rants.
The concept is simple. Driving has gotten so increasingly worse throughout Tampa Bay that we have no choice but to broadcast a few regular rules and reminders in order to maintain polite society. There could be a few of these, considering the amount of obscene drivers out there. But by the end of this, we’ll all be waving to each other in kind. Traffic will flow in perfect haste. Horns will be decidedly mute.
First up, three basic yet seemingly collapsing cornerstones of the road.
There’s a lot of new faces out there. A lot of new drivers. That’s great. Welcome!
Now let’s all get it the hell together.
Sudden Stops
We’re not sure who needs to hear this. But if you’re about to miss your left-hand turn on Dale Mabry, don’t pull nine Gs stopping in the middle of the intersection just to look around for your options. There’s a Jesuit mom in a Suburban behind you going so fast, you’ll think you’ve reached a higher plane of existence after you’ve been rear-ended into a Steak ‘n Shake. You messed up. It’s OK. Own it. There’s an easy solution here—and I know it because I’m a dunce who misses turns all the time—and it’s the ol’ “Go around the block.”
Speeding
Much like the cigarette, speeding had a fashionable run in the 80s and 90s, but has since been mostly left to the Europeans. If you’re still going 50 mph down Bayshore Boulevard now, you may want to invest in a set of bumper stickers that read PRO MURDER. This isn’t Lower Manhattan. We’re not spritely hipsters bouncing off cars down here. If you fender-bender Beverly, grandmother of four, you’re forking over 50 Gs or maybe even going to prison. And do you know what they do to people who speed down Bayshore in prison?
It’s one of the most beautiful stretches of road in Florida. Take pride in those 30 mph’s. Roll the windows down and revel in a little low-tide cologne. At the end of it, you’re just going to hit a trainwreck of Lightning game traffic anyway.
Rogue Uber Drivers
Uber drivers! Lean in close, because this is perhaps our most egregious and paramount traffic debacle of the moment: The four-way stop is not the correct place look for your next rider. Week-in and week-out, time and again, I’ll stumble into a four-way with one single car halted at a permanent stop. No acknowledgement, no wave to the other drivers as to say, “You guys go ahead, I need a moment to bask in this negligence.” Just a head down at a phone and an Uber sticker on the windshield. I don’t even honk anymore. I just sit and wait. Count the seconds. Ponder whether America needs a subsidiary driver’s course—a pop quiz in your 30s just to brush up on the rulebook. And the rulebook is pretty clear on this one. If we could all grasp it at 15, you can grasp it from the shoulder of the road.