As the old cliché goes, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
And in this situation, the “it” just so happens to be another absurdist exercise in delusional sports fandom.
The Bolts are in their first 3-1 hole of their immaculate run at a three-peat. The 1942 Maple Leafs are the last and only team to overcome such a deficit in the Stanley Cup Final.
On the other end, the Avs are catching every break the Hockey Gods can conjure, on top of being a sensationally talented and cohesive unit on their own. Which is to say that, once again—same as with the Leafs, same as with the Rangers—it’s time to fire up the rumor mill. *Say it with us* For nothing spoils an opponent’s team chemistry quite like some good ol’ fashion BS.
Are any of these shocking rumors true? Of course not. But let’s conjure up some hogwash and take a look at what our most anonymous NHL insiders are saying about the Avs anyway.
Spread them like wildfire.
1. Gabriel Landeskog spends over two hours in hair and makeup before games.
The man with the C on his chest knows a good coif speaks even louder than actions or words.
2. Devon Toews smokes mids.
In perhaps the most damning report of a Colorado player, Toews allegedly blows big clouds to and from games, only the clouds are a result of some of the worst weed known to mankind. “He puffs on nothing but complete, Reggie Bush shwag,” said one anonymous teammate. “Total Brockton Brown snicklefritz. And yet he’s still bussin’ in this locker room, respectfully.”
3. Cale Makar announced he’s boycotting his 2022 Norris Trophy in protest of Thursday’s national Juul ban.
Makar will also reportedly miss Thursday’s practice as he’s informed the team he’ll be spending the day panic-buying as many vapes as the greater Denver area will permit.
4. Josh Manson is the son of former NHL defenseman Dave Manson and alternative metal artist Marilyn Manson.
It was a confusing childhood to say the least.
5. Nazim Kadri has reportedly never had sex for longer than five minutes.
The bench isn’t the only thing this guy busts out of early.
6. Nathan MacKinnon was once in the running to play Owen Wilson in a now-scrapped biopic of the Hollywood star.
MacKinnon guest-starred in several episodes Trailer Park Boys. But according to one casting director, “It was the least amount of charisma we’ve ever seen in an audition.”
7. Darcy Kuemper is known for shouting liberal slurs at Denver fans when he’s pulled from games.
Whoa!
8. Artturi Lehkonen goes by the alias Mikko Lehtonen when hockey analysts can’t remember who the hell he is.
Gold jacket, green jacket…
9. Jack Johnson was voted Most Likely to Get Stuck with an Acoustic Pop Celebrity’s Name in high school.
The singer currently has a restraining order against the longtime defenseman.
10. Valeri Nichushkin once was passed on by the Lightning after the team determined he wasn’t very good.
Didn’t see that one coming.